Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Twas a Dark and Stormy Night

It's just about 4am on a wet and windy night as I pen this. Which somehow seems appropriate as the weather matches my mood and yet is still useful watering all my veggies in the garden. How are you? Things are going ok with us. Not spectacular but ok. I've just had a few disappointments over the past few days. 

A friend of mine in the community has had to back off due to some internal/external struggles and I find myself strangely sad, mourning the loss of a friend found and gone so quickly. It's weird. I got rather attached which doesn't usually happen so fast. I make friends slowly as a general rule. Am I so desperate for a friend who understands that I'm changing who I am? I don't think so. I think this one is just special. She's so helpful and easy to talk to and it's comforting to know you're not alone isn't it? Hopefully things will work out in the end but I do understand her need for self examination and doing what she feels is best for her family. I'll just miss her in the meantime.

Telling my Dad this past week went ok but also not as expected. He didn't freak out or make a scene, but it's the quiet broodiness that unnerves me more. I know my Dad. Very well. Quiet is never good because it means he's caught up inside his own head thinking about everything. He'll eventually work out his position on the 'problem' but it would be nice in the meantime to just talk about it and answer questions. Maybe that's the genetic girl in me that says 'let's talk about it'. I don't know. But I wish he could really understand that I'm doing ok and our family is ok with this too. Having a husband who cross dresses or is trans gender isn't the end of our relationship, it's merely a huge bump on the road of our life together. And together we'll work it all out.

I feel torn between supporting a spouse whom I love deeply and understanding that my father doesn't want this pushed in his face. That would never happen because my husband isn't that kind of a person to begin with, and though he has come more out of his shell, the inner core of who he is remains the same, only version 2.0 He's not going to be swinging in the treetops in a pink tutu any time soon. How do I get my Dad to see that? He wants to remain in denial and if he won't see us in our normal everyday life he won't know that what we're saying about being ok is true. He says it's about respecting him and his feelings, but what about the need to respect my husband who works hard to love and support his family? This is OUR home, and he should be allowed to do or wear whatever he wants as long as it's not immoral or illegal. I think only time is going to work this one out. Balancing the needs of 2 people you love is difficult when they conflict but I'm hoping that as time goes on and my father sees that we're happy, he'll come around. He says it's 'guys his age' that are set in their ways but honestly my husband is almost the same age and he's not like that. Even my Dad's best friend who lives near us knows the situation, and he's fine with it. In fact he had the most brilliant suggestion as a compromise. Kilts. He said we should celebrate our Scottish heritage and wear kilts because then my husband gets to wear a skirt and my father couldn't complain it's not appropriate clothing for a man. 

Hmmm, random thought. I wonder if Prince Charles is a cross dresser? He wears kilts a lot. LOL Oh the places my brain goes some days! But anyways... the birds have begun their morning chorus so I should get going and dream about men in kilts for an hour before I have to get up and do chores. You can't tell me it's a bad look, even Liam Neeson can pull it off lol. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life. If you're not, please remember that you're not alone and there are plenty of out out there who understand a little of what you're going through. And if you believe in God then this isn't the time to give up on Him either.

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