Tuesday, 26 May 2015

You are Not Alone

I know we use the term 'Cross Dressing' or CD for short but a friend of mine describes it as being more like acting a part. He transforms himself from his masculine self to his femme alter ego and acts as a woman. He dresses, does his hair and make-up, pads and changes his voice to become 'her'. She's immersed in the role and really does become Emma*. So I love the term 'Cross Acting' that she uses to describe herself. This is a secure, masculine, hetero man who simply loves to show an outward expression to his soft and feminine inner feelings.

Cross dressers like my friends Emma, Rachael, Jim, Charlie* are just your average guys if you walked down the street. Well you know what, actually they're not typical if you really look closer. They're all quite above averagely intelligent, respected people in their fields, middle aged, honourable men who do volunteer work and have raised successful families where the kids feel loved and who love and care about their wives. I guess that by today's standards it makes them so much better than average.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

I know cross dressers who are teachers, senior research scientists, military, pilots, plumbers, electricians, you name it and I'm sure there's someone out there. They come from all religions, races, cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. Many are married, I'd say that most actually were married at one point but due to various conflicts with their spouse which may or may not be related to their CD, about half are now single. Of the 50% who are married I would guesstimate that perhaps 20% of those wives know and are ok with it to some limited extent. Now that's just my guessing based on my friends and what I've read on the forums. If we take the most conservative estimates that say 1% of people CD that means in my town of 7000 people there would be 70 other CD'ers, 35 of whom are married currently and approx. 7 wives that know about it. Translate that to a small city of 500,000 people and suddenly it's 5000 CD'ers,  2500 marriages, 500 wives who know. Does that make you feel a little less lonely? You are NOT the only one dealing with this, you're probably just the only one you think you know.

And just to blow your mind a little, the estimates of how many people there truly are range upwards to 10% of the general population though it's quite readily accepted that it could be closer to 5%. Which would mean that for a city of a half million people you'd have:

25,000  Cross Dressers
12,500  Marriages
 2,500   Wives who know or will find out.

Did that sink in? In a small city there could be around 2500 other wives all keeping this secret. You most certainly are NOT alone. So why aren't we meeting and talking about this? How come in a city this size there's a CD support group and only 7 people come to meetings? The problem is that due to social stigma, shame, revulsion, or all the other feelings people have about something that's different, nobody ever connects so we all stay isolated, scared and alone. We should be supporting each other and lifting the taboo about being a cross dresser and a cross dressers wife. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, and probably they haven't either if they've been honest with you. But even if you've found out and they've been lying to you for years (it's probably the most common scenario) you still have nothing that you need to feel bad about.

When you have an earth shattering event like this in your life it's natural to want to curl up in a ball, lick your wounds and ask yourself 'why me?' We have all done it. And the emotional roller coaster that follows can take a long time to even out. Just when you think you've come to terms with things and are getting comfortable again something happens and the ride begins again. At least that is how it's been for me. I think the worst part is that these people we love, our Cross Dressing husbands, often don't really understand this whole thing either. I know for me it's frustrating because I just want an answer so I can figure out where I fit into the whole picture but if it's constantly changing it's impossible to know with any degree of certainty where things will end up.

I recommend that if your life is in turmoil that you at least have a couple of anchor points to hold onto until the storm calms down a bit. And your anchor points should be things like your love for your spouse and/or family, your work, your belief in yourself, the understanding and support of a close friend. Then no matter what shifts in the tides and wind pull you about and threaten to drown you, you can draw strength and comfort from your supports and you can ride out the storm. Sometimes it's all you can do in life just to hold on to the basics of getting out bed, going to work and doing a good job before going home and crawling back into bed.  Hang in there, things will get better.

This is why I started the blog. So I could work out my own feelings and find other people out there like myself so we can support each other.  In a harbour you'll often see the boats tied to the dock but also with bumpers between them and lashed together in bad weather. They provide stability during rough seas. And we can do that for each other too. Provide stability and act as a buffer for when the really big waves come.

I find it hard sometimes to talk to my husband about all of this. I think it's because he's the reason or at least the catalyst for these changes in my life and I don't like them all. How do you talk about your needs not being met with the person you feel is neglecting you? It's really hard. But having the friends online and people in the forums who leave helpful comments has really been great for me. The most helpful advice has always come from my friends who are actually cross dressers themselves. They understand some of my fears, they've been where I'm at now, and they are genuinely interested in helping out if they can. God Bless Them All!

Note to self: questions wives ask themselves, why CDers don't tell their wives.


  1. Excellent post!! Thanks so much for starting this. I posted a link on Fetlife.com and it is getting some great comments there as well.

    Host CD Club Dartmouth

    1. Aww thanks for your kind words. It's nice to get some positive feedback. It's a pretty rare thing in the CD world I've discovered. - E.

  2. Thanks so much Elizabeth....I'm so glad I ve stumbled onto you and your blog.