Tuesday, 19 January 2016

I Don't Know How To Make This Work... But I Want To.

Reading the name of my blog today I realize how much I've changed and am still changing on
this journey.  I'm married to a transgender woman. Husband or wife, whatever you want to call her, she's still fundamentally the person I married. Yes I am married to someone who later in their life was able to put all the puzzle pieces into place and realize the truth that they are in fact transgender. I think it's often a big enough shock if you're single and younger, but perhaps doubly so if you're older or married. Throw into the whole mixed up situation the feelings and emotions of another human being and there's a recipe for disaster or something amazing. The problem is that it's hard to know how it's going to work out. And as the wife I'm not sure some days how it's going either.

I know that a lot of trans people find themselves alone during or after transition. Sometimes they leave and sometimes their husband or wife just cannot accept the changes. Lots of people look down on the spouses who leave but I have to say that I get it. I can understand where they're coming from at least on some level. It's hard to be a spouse and it's not just about the changes. I can handle the changes I think. My wife and I are able to talk about sex and clothes and finding balance in our family life. But it's hard to give answers when things are in near constant flux. Transition is a time of changes. It's not that she's lied to me, it's that the more she transitions and has time to learn and grow, the more the answers evolve. Does that make any sense?

 It still doesn't make it easier for me as the wife though. Sometimes I feel overshadowed. Sometimes I feel erased, as if I don't really matter anymore and it's all about HER. Even the trans support groups in our area reinforce this because they are there exclusively for their trans brothers and sisters, spouses are an after thought. It's like they figure we should be able to get our own support because we're not the marginalized ones. Don't they realize that in our efforts to protect our loved ones secrets we end up with zero support and isolated, and the trans community is doing this to us? I love my wife. But sometimes she celebrates the milestones and I silently die a little inside, torn between celebrating her happiness and mourning my losses. I'm trying to put the pieces back in my own puzzle, a puzzle where the picture now looks different and confusing. I can't see what it's supposed to be and just when I can start to see patterns emerging it all changes again. And I am struggling with my own feminine identity. Some days I'm winning and other days it's an uncomfortable draw. I feel like such a mess sometimes and other days I'm fine.

At the end of the day we are working on this as individuals and together. We are committed to loving each other for ever. And that takes work and sacrifice for both of us.

I don't know how to make this work... But I want to.

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