Jealousy

I think I am jealous of my husband's new exciting life. How messed up is that?

I think this is one of those days when I'm conflicted about things and need a friend to talk to. Oh that's right... I can't tell anyone because it's a secret. Sigh. Yep, definitely one of the sucky days when I think of the cross dresser phase as 'the good old days'. Life was certainly less complicated. Now I'm thinking of the cute new clothes, exciting hairstyles, friends and group he's a member of, and I wish there was something exciting in my life. Everything I have just seems like work and no fun. Maybe it's PMS.

Well, I did say I'd share the ups and downs. It's not really that bad and I'll survive. Just missing him/her I guess. And confused which pronouns to use because of the constant switching back and forth and old habits. I've spent the better part of a decade saying 'he' and it's hard to switch.

On a bright note, our eldest 2 children (and spouses I'm sure) now know and are cool with it. We told them while chatting on Father's Day. Of course saying you're cool and then seeing your Dad in a dress are two very different things, but the doors of communication are wide open which is fantastic! And he does look damned cute in a dress or skirt! I think it's time we went on a vacation to see our grandkids soon though, and in the meantime we've told them to ask us any questions. I love them they're all great kids, we really are SO BLESSED!

Twas a Dark and Stormy Night

It's just about 4am on a wet and windy night as I pen this. Which somehow seems appropriate as the weather matches my mood and yet is still useful watering all my veggies in the garden. How are you? Things are going ok with us. Not spectacular but ok. I've just had a few disappointments over the past few days. 

A friend of mine in the community has had to back off due to some internal/external struggles and I find myself strangely sad, mourning the loss of a friend found and gone so quickly. It's weird. I got rather attached which doesn't usually happen so fast. I make friends slowly as a general rule. Am I so desperate for a friend who understands that I'm changing who I am? I don't think so. I think this one is just special. She's so helpful and easy to talk to and it's comforting to know you're not alone isn't it? Hopefully things will work out in the end but I do understand her need for self examination and doing what she feels is best for her family. I'll just miss her in the meantime.

Telling my Dad this past week went ok but also not as expected. He didn't freak out or make a scene, but it's the quiet broodiness that unnerves me more. I know my Dad. Very well. Quiet is never good because it means he's caught up inside his own head thinking about everything. He'll eventually work out his position on the 'problem' but it would be nice in the meantime to just talk about it and answer questions. Maybe that's the genetic girl in me that says 'let's talk about it'. I don't know. But I wish he could really understand that I'm doing ok and our family is ok with this too. Having a husband who cross dresses or is trans gender isn't the end of our relationship, it's merely a huge bump on the road of our life together. And together we'll work it all out.

I feel torn between supporting a spouse whom I love deeply and understanding that my father doesn't want this pushed in his face. That would never happen because my husband isn't that kind of a person to begin with, and though he has come more out of his shell, the inner core of who he is remains the same, only version 2.0 He's not going to be swinging in the treetops in a pink tutu any time soon. How do I get my Dad to see that? He wants to remain in denial and if he won't see us in our normal everyday life he won't know that what we're saying about being ok is true. He says it's about respecting him and his feelings, but what about the need to respect my husband who works hard to love and support his family? This is OUR home, and he should be allowed to do or wear whatever he wants as long as it's not immoral or illegal. I think only time is going to work this one out. Balancing the needs of 2 people you love is difficult when they conflict but I'm hoping that as time goes on and my father sees that we're happy, he'll come around. He says it's 'guys his age' that are set in their ways but honestly my husband is almost the same age and he's not like that. Even my Dad's best friend who lives near us knows the situation, and he's fine with it. In fact he had the most brilliant suggestion as a compromise. Kilts. He said we should celebrate our Scottish heritage and wear kilts because then my husband gets to wear a skirt and my father couldn't complain it's not appropriate clothing for a man. 

Hmmm, random thought. I wonder if Prince Charles is a cross dresser? He wears kilts a lot. LOL Oh the places my brain goes some days! But anyways... the birds have begun their morning chorus so I should get going and dream about men in kilts for an hour before I have to get up and do chores. You can't tell me it's a bad look, even Liam Neeson can pull it off lol. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life. If you're not, please remember that you're not alone and there are plenty of out out there who understand a little of what you're going through. And if you believe in God then this isn't the time to give up on Him either.

Telling my Dad

I was hoping to write and let you know how smoothly everything had gone telling our parents. But alas, the road is never without a few bumps. Telling my lesbian mums that my husband is transgender was easy and they've embraced her in a 'welcome to the club, let us buy you a beer' sort of way. Ok, good. How hard could it be to tell my dad and stepmum? Well, actually way harder because I actually LIKE my dad and respect his opinion. Picture this... he's an English, early 60's, ex-military/cop and very traditional. He's an old school 'put on a sweater if you're cold...finish the food on your plate' sort of guy. He's mellowed since he married my stepmum though, she's lovely.

So I sent an email to them telling them that my husband is transgender and explaining that as a family we're fine, that the kids had taken the news with barely a batt of an eyelash and that we're okay as a couple. That they don't need to worry because we're really all ok.

And then the silence.          No reply.            Nothing.

For a guy that works on the computer all day for work I know he's read my email and is now just ignoring me. And the silence was driving me crazy! I'm a bit of an over-thinker I guess so I'm imagining the worst. Maybe he had a heart attack and died of shock? Maybe he's not going to talk to me again. Maybe he's mad at my husband. Maybe he's going to cancel his visit.

I finally gave up after 24 hours and sent a quick email confirming that he'd gotten the original expose and did he have any questions. And a reply came back saying he needed to discuss with his wife. K was right when she told me that some people need time to process. I have to be patient and let him come to me when he's ready. But it's so weird because I'm used to my dad being the guy who has it all together and me asking questions, not the other way round.

So the long and short of it, is that we have a phone call (cue ominous music) scheduled for later today when we can talk uninterrupted. I'll report back and let you know how it goes, and in the meantime I'll try and not overthink things and get myself all worried for what may turn out to be nothing more than a storm in an hourglass.

Decide - Free verse because I can.

When it comes down to it, we all have to make our own choices and live our own lives. We can't blame others for the way our lives turn out because we followed them and did what they said. In abdicating our will to theirs we made a decision to follow them. Wake up! And start living your own life. Learn, grow, make mistakes, learn more and be true to yourself.

We're all going to die.

We don't get much say over when or where, but we do get to decide how we're going to live.
So, do it. Decide. For yourself, decide.
Is that the life you really want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? Gentler? Can you be more compassionate? Decide.

Breathe in, breathe out and decide.

The Silence is Deafening

So far telling our family about my husband being transgender has been a breeze. Although I wonder if I'm a bit in denial about the whole thing and maybe it hasn't quite sunk in. How could it go this smoothly? Well, I've hit a giant pothole in the road. With a visit from my Dad and step-mum coming up this summer we thought it reasonable to let my parents know ahead of time. My dad is remarried to a wonderful lady we all love, and my mother is married to a woman as well. For someone who had serious issues with her mother, I've sure got a lot of them!! So after procrastinating for a while I finally sat down early this morning and wrote to my dad and step-mum. I expressed my love for them, for my family and especially for my husband. I explained that this didn't change the love for each other and that we're okay as a family. We're doing good and they don't need to worry about us. I hit send and I waited. And I waited. I noticed the email bounced to my stepmum and so I emailed dad and he sent me her new email address. But no answer to the original email. Is this normal? Am I over thinking the whole thing? AAARRGHHHH! It's driving me crazy! I love my Dad, and I guess in some way I want his approval and understanding. He's our most loving and caring parent and I don't want to lose him. How do people deal with this? The not knowing is killing me. I think I need some chocolate. Or pepsi. Or both.

Post Weekend Slump

It's a cool and wet Monday morning. I've just gotten back from seeing my specialist at the hospital and now I'm ready to crack on and do ... nothing. I'd really just rather cuddle up with a blanket and read a good book. It's not very warm in here and the fact that we've got one of the livingroom windows stuck open isn't helping, lol.  #2 son just used his big rugby muscles to force it 2/3 of the way down so that's a definite improvement. Yay for hungry teenagers who come in the house looking for food! He fixed the window, I fixed a veggie chili. We're both happy.

We are in the middle of planting and waiting for the weather to warm up a little more so our summer crops can go into the ground. I've still got turnips, parsnips, beans, peas, corn, squash, carrots and sweet potatoes to go in the ground in the next few weeks. Plus more herbs to re-pot for the herb garden and for sale. We knew it was going to be wet and cold for a few days so we dug trenches ahead of time and now we can still plant the potatoes, just covering them with earth using a rake. I've got some stray raspberries that could also go into a trench the same way once we get them later. But apart from that I think it's going to be a writing day.

Our family is doing fine. We had a busy weekend and nothing exciting happened. I still haven't told my Dad about the CD/Trans thing yet. I don't know if I'm subconsciously avoiding it or what but I always forget or am too busy. I really should get that done today. I just don't really know what to say.

Hope you all had a terrific weekend.

Elizabeth

The Importance of Date Night

My husband (who works out of town) comes home for the weekends so Fridays are always a good day because I'm obviously happy to see him. There's also the last minute scramble to get the laundry done, the kitchen scrubbed and a nice supper made unless we're going out. Date night for us is usually Friday and we often go out for a cheap supper and do something fun or just take some time away from the stresses of family life. Don't get me wrong... we love our children. But having time as a couple to renew your friendship and remember why you married this person in the first place are important. We made a commitment before we ever got married that Friday would be our date night and we've stuck with that pretty faithfully for years and the kids all know it's make your own supper night.

There have been times before and during our married life where we've not had a lot of money. So we've had dates eating a sandwich on the beach, eating a $1 cheeseburger while parked in a rest area and staring up the hill towards our house (the kids were younger and we figured we'd make it home before the fire trucks), we even managed to get some privacy for a year by telling the kids we were going out and then sneaking the laptop into our travel trailer and just watching movies together for a couple of hours while parked in our own driveway. Those were great because it saved gas :)

The point is, that no matter what you do, spending time regularly to re-connect and just hang out as friends is vitally important. We do get to chat with each other every day on Facebook and by text but it's not the same as just strolling around the mall, having supper, hanging out with friends or just sitting and talking face to face. It doesn't have to be a fancy date, but what it does need is to be a regular priority. Sometimes being here with the kids all week makes me feel like a part-time single parent and it's tough having teens.  I personally feel like our date nights have saved my sanity some weeks. Those are the days when my husband comes home and I meet him at the door with one simple phrase 'take me out of here!' Another good clue would be hanging a sign above the door that says

You my think that having date night is something you don't need because you've been married for years, your kids are grown so you don't need romance, or perhaps you think the whole idea is silly because you see each other all the time anyways. But I won't give it up as long as I have a spouse I want to continue to build a relationship with. I need it. It's the little things like date night that have helped us stay in love and remember why we got together in the first place. It's the relaxed companionship and the silly jokes you both laugh at. Long after the kids have grown and left we'll still have each other and I don't want to get to the point where I'm staring across the breakfast table and thinking 'I have no idea who you are anymore'.

Date night has been a good time for us to talk about cross dressing and transitioning without the kids being able to interrupt us so it's kept the lines of communication open. Especially at the beginning when I'd actually drive into the city once a week so we had some extra face to face time, and I think it was helpful for me personally. I highly recommend starting a regular date night if you don't already. And if you ever find yourself in the Annapolis Valley of Nova Scotia on a Friday night...look us up! Friends are always welcome to join us and we'd really enjoy the company.