Another Year of Experience

It’s been ages since I wrote on this blog. Partly because typing on my phone is a pain in the neck (computer died) and also because I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear the mundane details of our lives.  This year has gone by quickly. We’re still ‘out of the closet but not out of the house’ by which I mean our family and a few close friends know about my wife, but we’ve not announced it to the people we work with or our church community. The two questions I get asked most are if we’re out and of course the dreaded surgery question. So let’s address them both.

As mentioned. We’re both in and out. Work, while your job is federally and provincially protected, would you really want to upset your boss who is a very traditional baptist by announcing that his only representative to the businesses he serves, is trans? Most of you will say yes. But maybe if you’re older and a couple of years from retirement you’d think it’s probably ok to just not rock the boat at this point.  We’re not that bothered, so it’s ok for now. Church is a whole other ball of wax that deserves its own future post.

Surgery. I know some people get their knickers in a twist about something so personal. And for good reason. But I’ll tell you honestly where we are at. And I use the term ‘we’ to loosely mean both of us.  Had we found out earlier in life that my spouse was trans then yes, we’d probably be having a different conversation. But since we’re older now and don’t have dysphoria the way some people do we’re lucky because it means the options are more open. Including the option to do nothing. At our age the risks and benefits of hormone therapy and surgery change. We’ve done the reading of hormone shots vs. pills. Risks of surgery. Plus there’s the sexual component when you’re in a committed relationship. Each person and each couple have to talk about the needs they have and work out what will make them happy. It may change over time. I know it has for us. One thing to definitely note here is that making no permanent changes to your body is a valid choice. Not all trans men and women want surgery, not all want to be beholden to big pharma for life, and it’s up to them to decide how much of a transition works for them. You’re not any less of a man or woman if you are socially trans but not physically. After all, the most important physical part of your gender identity is your brain. And you can’t change that. xxx

So that’s life in a nutshell. We dream about coming out, we worry about it, one of us dreams about larger breasts that aren’t removable, and one of us worries what our friends will say about this sweet and wonderful person they love when they find out the workpants were all for show.

Support Meeting in the City

On Saturday we actually had enough time to spare to go into the city for the trans support meeting. And we stopped by Danielle's and gave her a ride too which gave us all a nice chance to catch up. During the meeting I got to hang out in the library which for a geek like me was actually pretty good. The meeting had about 20 attendees and in addition to the meet and greet portion there was a good discussion about how a group should be run, that this is not a replacement for therapy, and this weeks topic of employment. I know both girls said it was good to see friends again and they both got something useful out of the meeting and will go again. If you'd like to know more about this trans support group and how to get an invitation just leave me a comment or find me on Facebook. The more the merrier! 

I Don't Know How To Make This Work... But I Want To.

Reading the name of my blog today I realize how much I've changed and am still changing on
this journey.  I'm married to a transgender woman. Husband or wife, whatever you want to call her, she's still fundamentally the person I married. Yes I am married to someone who later in their life was able to put all the puzzle pieces into place and realize the truth that they are in fact transgender. I think it's often a big enough shock if you're single and younger, but perhaps doubly so if you're older or married. Throw into the whole mixed up situation the feelings and emotions of another human being and there's a recipe for disaster or something amazing. The problem is that it's hard to know how it's going to work out. And as the wife I'm not sure some days how it's going either.

I know that a lot of trans people find themselves alone during or after transition. Sometimes they leave and sometimes their husband or wife just cannot accept the changes. Lots of people look down on the spouses who leave but I have to say that I get it. I can understand where they're coming from at least on some level. It's hard to be a spouse and it's not just about the changes. I can handle the changes I think. My wife and I are able to talk about sex and clothes and finding balance in our family life. But it's hard to give answers when things are in near constant flux. Transition is a time of changes. It's not that she's lied to me, it's that the more she transitions and has time to learn and grow, the more the answers evolve. Does that make any sense?

 It still doesn't make it easier for me as the wife though. Sometimes I feel overshadowed. Sometimes I feel erased, as if I don't really matter anymore and it's all about HER. Even the trans support groups in our area reinforce this because they are there exclusively for their trans brothers and sisters, spouses are an after thought. It's like they figure we should be able to get our own support because we're not the marginalized ones. Don't they realize that in our efforts to protect our loved ones secrets we end up with zero support and isolated, and the trans community is doing this to us? I love my wife. But sometimes she celebrates the milestones and I silently die a little inside, torn between celebrating her happiness and mourning my losses. I'm trying to put the pieces back in my own puzzle, a puzzle where the picture now looks different and confusing. I can't see what it's supposed to be and just when I can start to see patterns emerging it all changes again. And I am struggling with my own feminine identity. Some days I'm winning and other days it's an uncomfortable draw. I feel like such a mess sometimes and other days I'm fine.

At the end of the day we are working on this as individuals and together. We are committed to loving each other for ever. And that takes work and sacrifice for both of us.

I don't know how to make this work... But I want to.

A new year

Well it's a new year and it's been ages since I wrote anything so here's a quick catch up. My other life has been busy with several new ventures. I can't tell you much about them because I'm pretty sure that'll give away my secret identity. Lol. But family life is going pretty smoothly. Kids are moving out so we're down to 3, one of whom is graduating in a couple of weeks. And apart from that things are just ticking along. How are you all doing? Life's ups and downs continue and we continue to reach milestones for better and worse. Mostly for the better though.

We're gradually connecting with others in the community despite the self-imposed distinctions between the trans and cross dressing communities. I hope that as we continue to see the world change we will see fewer barriers and labels and more acceptance, even within our own community.

It's been a crazy summer.

Well there's so much to tell you but so little time. How are you all? We're pretty good apart from nasty cold that's been going throgh the family and a few other struggles.

Our Trans journey proceeds slowly and seemingly smoothly but the emotions are still mixed on my end. Still, we continue to love and care each other the best we can and solve the problems together as they arise.

I'll write more as soon as I can.

Elizabeth

I've missed you

Things are pretty good still for us. We're trying to come up with a long term plan of 'coming out'. Or not. For now it seems alright to live a double life of being a girl at home and dressing like a man for work and church. But I'm not sure how long that's going to be mentally manageable. Not that my husband isn't amazing, and he says he's been dressing as a man for 60years so he has a bit of practice, but I wonder if the yearning to dress full time will get stronger.

I'm sorry I haven't written very much. I've been writing to an online magazine and trying to keep up with my other responsibilities at the farm and writing for my other blog. I'm a bit over stretched at the moment.

Hope you're all having a great summer. What have you been up to?

Dark & Stormy Outside but Calm and Loving Indoors

It's been an interesting week. Our kids who live on the other side of this vast country, send a list of questions so now my beloved husband is trying to come up with the best answers for them. I think by the time he's all done it will involve movies, a power point presentation, and photos. Yikes! When nerds run amok! The list asked the usual questions but also ones about our relationship including 'define your relationship with Liz'. Talk about direct. They seem to think the two options in that regard are lesbian sex or having a platonic relationship. I think we need to set them straight without giving too many details. No kid wants to believe their parents still enjoy a healthy sex life do they?

Another interesting question was 'Are you leaving the church?' It's interesting because while we're members of a conservative religion that has a bad reputation for discrimination against gay people, it's largely unfounded. We preach and really try to live love and kindness towards all God's children. But of course there's always the small minority who make the rest of us look bad. On one of the LDS (yes, we're Mormons) websites there's a great quote from an Apostle, a senior leader in the Church where in he states   "As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. Let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion and outreach. Let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender." Quentin L. Cook

For me that sums up the official position, that we should love all of God's children. But of course we're all human and so we have to deal with misconceptions, bigotry, hatred, fear, and all manner or persecution if we're different. It's time to change that and be more loving and tolerant. I'm dozing off here so I'll write again soon.